Lower Your
Expectations.
Serving Australians since we forgot where we parked the planes. Comfort is optional; landing is preferred.
Cargo Class
The ultimate in social distancing. Travel in a crate with the neighbor's labradoodle.
Un-Loyalty Club
Earn points for every hour you wait at the gate. Status tiers include 'Ignored' and 'Banned'.
Global Bag Hunt
Our bags are currently in a more exotic location than you are. Track them now.
Your Disappointing Options
SYD
Sydney
LHR
London
$2,400
$12.50*
*Tax + Your Dignity extra
MEL
PER
Sold Out to Local Wildlife
CONFIRMED!
We've charged your card and blocked your number. Check your spam folder in 2026 for a PDF of your ticket.
Hardship Tiers
"Where nobody knows your name, and nobody cares."
Cargo Basic
- ❌ A Seat
- ✅ Oxygen (Shared)
- ✅ Pressurized-ish
- Travel in bubble wrap
Wing-Strap Deluxe
- ✅ External Seating
- ✅ Uninterrupted Views
- ✅ Maximum Wind
- ✅ One Free Goggle
Overhead Bin
- ✅ Indoor Heating
- ✅ Near Luggage
- ❌ Horizontal space
- ✅ Soundproof-ish
Loyalty Member
Bruce M. Typo
Current Status
LOWEST TIER (MUD)
Your Regret Points
Equivalent value: 1/16th of a wet wipe
Next Status Milestone
Log 1.5 more hours of standing around to unlock 'Complimentary Tap Water' status.
The Bag Void™
Your suitcase has achieved sentience and moved to a small coastal town in Tasmania. Stop looking for it.
Telemetry Report